Finding my balance with mindfulness

Finding my balance with mindfulness

When I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, I was swept into a whirlwind of activities.  I neither had, nor gave myself, time to think about what was happening and how it would change my life.  The time from diagnosis to treatment was very short.  My treatment period was filled with activities---scans, blood tests, clinic visits, chemo treatments, exercise classes.  My objective was to complete the treatment.  My goal was to be in remission at the end of treatment.  For eight months, I was “doing”.

My project ran relatively smoothly.  Though there were no complications, there were side effects, the worst of which was insomnia.   At first, the steroids were the cause.  Later, my emotions, which had finally caught up with me, were the culprit.  I lived with a paralyzing fear of how the illness would change my life and a fear that it would recur.  Despite being told that I was in remission, I panicked at every chill, pain, tender area and sneeze, fearing the disease had returned.  To add to my anxiety, a CT scan showed a mass that the doctors suspected might be ovarian cancer.  In addition to worrying about a relapse, I started worrying about a new cancer.  The stress and worry affected my relationship with my husband and our marriage.  Desperate, I enrolled in a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Program offered in the community. 

Mindfulness practice cultivates non-judgmental awareness in daily life.  I became aware that my mind was like a cassette tape on fast forward---playing a seemingly endless series of worries about the future.  About mid-way through the program, the doctors told me I had a relapse.  The news so overwhelmed me that it threw me off balance---literally.  At the program’s full-day silence retreat, I could not do the ‘silent walking’ exercise without stumbling. 

I was physically and emotionally off balance.   But, I had a new tool to regain my equilibrium.  Using the mindfulness technique of responding, instead of reacting, I could gain more control and have a better perspective.  This enabled me to develop a plan to collect information and explore treatment options.  My husband and I made a decision to enjoy the summer.  We could still enjoy the moment!

When I am mindful, I am awake, and aware of life’s precious moments.  In the past, I rushed from place to place, meeting to meeting, never stopping to enjoy the moment.  Now, when I walk, I “feel” the sidewalk and am conscious of what I hear and see.  I appreciate the simplicity and beauty of walking.  I no longer take mundane activities like washing the dishes or brushing the cat for granted.  My life has more balance and I am more content to just “be”.

Practicing mindfulness requires lots of work and discipline but the rewards are great.  I fall asleep by watching and counting my breath rather than by taking sleeping pills.  I know that responding is more effective than reacting.  When I respond calmly but with certainty, I feel my energy and sense of well-being increase.  I acknowledge my emotions but try to stay in the present moment.   

Mindfulness helps me cope with the uncertainty.  The fears of another recurrence and of a new cancer will always be there.  I will acknowledge, but not dwell on, my feelings and fears.  I don’t want to miss a single moment of my life!