Tuning out and focusing on surviving

We need our energy and strength to deal with cancer.   Negative thoughts can drain our energy.  I have heard many unsettling comments during my journey from family, friends and workplace colleagues.   Learning to deal with comments will help you preserve your precious energy.

Expect odd comments.  The friend who said, “You look great.  Are you sure you’re sick?” was probably trying to cheer me.  I didn’t have the energy to reply that the steroids in my chemo gave me those nice rosy cheeks. 

Some of our loved ones habitually make awkward comments.  I still am fond of my neighbor who asked me, “Are your work colleagues jealous because you’re taking an extended vacation?” I don’t want to travel with her if she thinks medical leave for cancer treatment is a vacation! 

In spite of the survival statistics and the progress in treatments, many people still associate cancer with death.  When I heard I had lymphoma, it was my first thought.  Thinking it is one thing.  But hearing it from our loved ones is another thing.  I was quite rattled when a doctor-friend said to me, “If I ever got cancer, I’d pack everything up because it’s a death sentence.”  I was speechless when a relative remarked about her inheritance, “Someday this will all be mine.” These insensitive comments can hurt.  Don’t dwell on them.  Give the benefit of the doubt.  Your cancer moves your loved ones out of their comfort zone.  Perhaps they are uncomfortable with your situation and don’t know what to say.  Perhaps the speakers’ comments are awkward vocalizations of their own mortality. Besides, we’ve all said bonehead things when afraid or nervous.  Our family and friends love us in spite of the things we may say or do---so why shouldn’t we love them? 

If you’re working, expect to hear some harsh words.  I was devastated when my boss said to me, “We’d like you to go on disability leave”.  Our work can give us self-esteem, an identity and a social network.  Many of us want to keep working if we can---it’s one less loss due to the illness.  The boss may compel you to take medical leave because your illness can affect workplace productivity and the bottom line.  Sometimes we can negotiate special arrangements such as working from home or shorter work hours.  The boss must balance compassion with the bottom line. 

Most importantly, don’t hold your family, friends and colleagues hostage to their comments.  The illness disrupts our lives and our relationships.  If nothing else works, remember the adage, “Don’t nurse a grudge”.  Instead, focus your energy on healing and surviving.